Here we go......

Soon...soon

2011-12-26T17:33:00.000-08:00

I am almost done....with school that is...only two more classes...I will be finish in February and then I will have a life again.

New pet

2011-09-18T06:40:00.000-07:00

My house is in a constant state of critterhood. Each week I have a new bug brought into the house as an exciting new addition to the living creatures who already reside here. I thought that having girls would mean less insects being brought into the house. I was wrong.

The start of a New Year

2011-09-08T07:21:00.000-07:00

It's September. The girls have started school again. Phoebe is in first grade, Keira is in pre-K.

Keith and I just celebrated our 10th anniversary. Life is hectic and crazy and wonderful and fun.

I survived a vegan

2011-03-06T12:02:00.000-08:00

My brother in law finally came to visit and I survived three days of vegan cooking. I did the coking...and the eating. I actually made some real yummy meals. We had vegan pizza, which Keith and I both loved and will be making again...very soon! Dinner number two was Portobello burgers with sweet potato fries and vegan baked beans. The beans were good but I don't think I could do the fake bacon all by itself. The last night was Taco salad with ground chick peas instead of ground beef. I must admit that I put cheese on mine so I only did vegan eating two nights but Erik got three full dinners that were completely vegan! I have no desire to be a vegan but it was fun to cook a bit out of the box and be a little creative. I know they weren't really the most creative meals ever but with two small kids (and Keira is currently on a food strike) I had to go with things that are at least familiar.

Along with some healthy eating we had lots of fun while Uncle Erik was around.

We did a Magic Show at the school one night: Phoebe was picked to be the Magicians assistant. It was very exciting for all of us.

And we did some jammin'. Uncle Erik gave them the drum and the keyboard. I may have to get them some piano lessons now.

The President

2011-01-22T17:54:00.000-08:00

The president came and visited good ole Schenectady yesterday (the original visit was delayed because of the shootings in Arizona). I was working and missed the whole thing. Keith, Phoebe and Keira did not though. Phoebe was home from school due to a snow storm in which the streets where not plowed. I got stuck in the middle of the street and Keith had to push me out so he decided to make the 2 hour delay into a day off. Apparently route 7 and 890 were plowed so well for the President though you wouldn't have even realized that we have had three major storms in two and a half weeks (hmmm, maybe that is where the plow that should have been doing MY street was! Ya think?)

Keith finally got the car out of the driveway and took the girls to the fish store and on the way back was not allowed to cross the bridge to our house. Instead he was rerouted down 890 which forced him and the girls to have to witness the Presidential motorcade driving by them in the opposite direction. When they finally got home they received a phone call from my parents who told them to go outside. They ran outside and got to see Air Force One fly over the house. (That would be a second time for Keira...not bad for a three year old from Upstate NY, oh and even my ultra Conservative parents can get excited over a democratic president if there is an airplane involved--they're such dorks ).

So they had an exciting day and I got to work. Blah!

surround

2011-01-17T17:18:00.000-08:00

I bought a ridiculously overpriced garbage can for the kitchen. And when I say ridiculous I mean RE-dick-U lus! Imagine the highest amount you would pay for a garbage can and then double that...and then double it again. I don't know why other than I have become obsessed with surrounding myself with things I love...or having nothing at all. For all these years that we have been pinching pennies I have been making do with items that were hand me downs, broken and taped, or so cheap that they fall apart before they are even used. I've had enough of it.

That doesn't mean that I'm outwith the credit card picking up everything with a high price tag. Quite to the contrary, some of my favorite things still include my sticks and stones (I have piles of rocks from the places I have been...Crazy Horse Memorial, The Badlands, Cape Code, etc). I have come to the conclusion though that if I love something I am going to get it or I will get nothing at all. No more second choices and good enoughs.

Only what I love.

What is it you love to surround yourself with?

On the home front:
Tomorrow we are suppose to get several inches of snow topped by freezing rain and ice.
I do not love that!
Maybe it is time to move...

And I have been keeping up with my challenge to make dinner home. We have eaten out or ordered out twice this month so far and that is it!

a reason to hold your child close

2011-01-11T15:46:00.000-08:00

My father owns guns. My father in law owns guns as do both of my brother in laws. My husband even owns a gun. Somewhere in the attic is his shotgun from his days of father and son hunting trips and there is a box of bullets hidden so well in the basement even I have never come across them. I don't like guns. It's the only tool in which perfecting your ability to use means being able to kill or destroy something. But I don't blame gun owners for Arizona. And as much as I would love to blame Palin and Limbaugh and Beck for the tragedy I know that is not reasonable. The motive behind the event is unclear and it is possible that target marks on a map or phrases like lock and reload help to spur on those who are unstable but it surely is not the cause.

Jared Lee Loughner is clearly a troubled young man. The motive behind taking so many lives goes far beyond what any website graphic or over-opinionated talk show host could ever inspire. But blaming Palin and the other neo-cons makes it easier to understand, easier to process. It makes people feel safer. If we just got Palin to shut up things like this wouldn't happen, if we just took away all the guns then little girls wouldn't be murdered in a parking lot. If they just stopped then my family would be safe.

Unfortunately that is just not true.

I hold my children close each night before they go to bed and each morning before I leave for work because I am well aware that every moment is a gift that can be snatched away without warning. We'll never be able to comprehend why Loughner did what he did. Honestly, I don't want to understand. I don't want to be able to follow a train of thought that would lead to that much death. I don't need to blame someone, I just need to hold my children and to love them. That is the only thing any of us can really do.

Look Who's Coming to Dinner

2011-01-07T14:39:00.000-08:00

It's the President. Right here in Schenectady. The White House has confirmed that the President will swoop in the to Electric City to take a tour of GE. Yes! For real. The GE plant that my great grandfather worked at, that my grandfather worked at and my dad worked at till they shipped his job down south. The same one my great grandmother and my grandmother and my mom worked. The one that was the lifeblood of this city and then turned out to be it's casket as the laid off most of their workforce.

Everyone is a buzz about the visit hoping that he will tour other places within the city but I have a feeling the last place he wants to get out and see is this cesspool (and really with all the pollution that GE has done over the years it really can qualify as a cesspool---fish upstream from GE!).

I hope the President enjoys his trip to this fair city...and I hope that it gives us all a little hope that Schenectady can be something wonderful again...we can all dream can't we?

for dinner tonight:
left overs---some pizza, some chicken, some of this and some of that.

I'll pretend I got attacked by a bad man

2011-01-05T18:03:00.000-08:00

Keira gets a lot of bloody noses. I think it has to do with the dry winter air. The fact that we have had a mold problem in the past and use DampRid which sucks the moisture right out of the air does not help any I'm sure. (It works great and I do suggest it for anyone who has moisture issues).

Today she had two nose bleeds. The second time she looked at me, blood dripping off her chin, and with a scowl on her face stated, "Since my face is bloody I'll pretend that I got attacked by a bad man. Now I have to chase him away."

And off she ran leaving a trail of blood behind her.

dinner tonight: Breakfast for dinner- always a family favorite
Scrambled eggs
Bacon (the remaining of which mysteriously disappeared from the plate--cat of dog---I'm not sure which)
fresh pineapple and clementines.

Tomorrow we are going to Pizza Hut because Phoebe got a coupon for "reading" her 15 books last month.

forget cable

2011-01-04T18:40:00.000-08:00

Down with the man! Keith and I are thinking of getting rid of cable...well at least cable TV and phone. During my period of no communication we cleaned out Phoebe's bedroom, carpeted and painted Keira's room, bought some bunk beds and moved them into together. Woohoo! Mom and dad have a bedroom again after almost four years of sleeping in the living room. Can you say amen, hallelujah, thank god for a closing door and a bed that does not have to picked up and put away every single day! I moved us in a few days before Christmas and a few days after we realized that we needed a TV but didn't we want to have pay for another cable box.

So we mounted a flat screen on the wall, got an antenna, hooked up a blue ray player with internet capability and started streaming the Netflix we already subscribed to....and then we signed up for Hulu. Now I get our local stations through the antenna, movies and my Showtime shows through Netflix and a variety of other tv shows through Hulu without having to pay for another box. Seems kind of stupid to pay for those services instead of a box though right? Ahh, Hulu is a trial run and we are trying to determine if we can ditch cable all together and deal with the limitations that the internet provides us. I'm thinking yes already...Keith is worried about Monday Night Football.

I told him to listen to the radio and deal. We can change to internet phone, cut the tv and save over a hundred dollars a month. Is maybe 2 nights of football a month (he works evenings and can only in theory ever have two Mondays off a month) really worth a hundred dollars? He hasn't answered yet.

Dinner tonight:
baked chicken with Dijon sauce
rice
broiled brocollini with balsamic vinegar

I've never made brocollini before...it was a failure...it came out pretty bad but I think it had more to do with the cooking method than the vegetable itself. The girls and I agreed that we were willing to give it another try...as long as I cooked it a different way.

I need some vegan recipes that do not include nuts...peanuts are ok but Keith is allergic to most tree nuts. My brother in law is coming into town at the end of February. He is a vegetarian now with strong vegan tendencies (he'll eat items that are made with eggs like cake, bread, etc but not much more). After being married 9 years I had finally perfected the items he loved best to eat and had them ready at every visit...and then he turned vegetarian on me over the summer and I have to start all over again.

W-W-W-WTF

2011-01-03T19:00:00.000-08:00

Phoebe's letter for the week is W. We spent a lot of time today going over w-w-w-words that start with W. W-w-w-water, w-w-w-wheel, w-w-w-wow. It sounded like we all had a stuttering problem but then I almost added the w-w-w what the fuck phrase to her W repertoire tonight after viewing the video attached to this story about yet another Schenectady fire. Oh it starts off innocent enough, just some shots of the fire department spraying a 3 alarm fire that destroyed two houses but at about 30 seconds in it cuts to a young woman and her quote threw me into the w-w-w-what??? thought. "I don't want to be rude and say this, but there are a lot of like crack heads on this street..." Ok. Yay for Schenectady. I just hope the fire department actually does a body count this time around and makes sure that there is no one that they forgot about.

dinner tonight:
baked kielbasa with sausage
garden salad
biscuits

And I discovered perhaps the most awful salad dressing ever. I love green goddess salad dressing and when I couldn't find it this time while I was shopping I got a bottle of just goddess dressing instead figuring that it couldn't be that much different. I was wrong. It had a tahini base, a flavor that I am not crazy about but usually can deal with, and was paired with a strong vinegar. Ugh, I spit out on my plate (much to the amusement of my girls) and ended up dumping the whole salad because it was so awful. I never throw out anything that is not empy or rotten, but I immediately tossed the whole jar in the garbage. I must find a good green goddess recipe to make for myself so that I never have to taste what was in that other bottle again!

"If you're born in this town, no need to look down, life don't get any worse"

2011-01-02T16:39:00.000-08:00

I'm not much of a fan of country music but I love this song. Most likely because the subject matter resonate so much for me but the tune is nice too. The sad part about this video is that it shows the more upscale neighborhoods, the blight of this city isn't even part of what we see here. I will forever debate my love/hate of this city.

It has been a while since I blogged in any sort of regular basis. It has been a rough Fall/Winter. My great aunt, whom I was very close with , passed away on October 31. Less than a month later, on November 27, my grandmother passed away. My aunt moved to North Carolina a few years ago and we had not even gotten her ashes home yet when my grandmother died. We had a double funeral and burial which was appropriate in a sad way because as sisters they had been very close. It was heartbreaking for us all to loose two so close together.

My mom, Grandma, Phoebe and Keira

Me and Grandma

A week before her passing I kept Phoebe out of school and we drove out to see her at the nursing home. I think it was the first time in years that she recognized me. Although she wasn't able to speak I could see the laughter in her eyes as she watched the girls run and play.

Oh and for dinner we had:
fried pork chops (the girls helped make them)
roasted root vegetables (baby potatoes, turnips, parsnips and carrots)
crescent roles

What's for dinner?

2011-01-01T18:23:00.000-08:00

This past year has been busy. Extremely busy. And of course when life gets busy we all naturally find ways to create time out of thin air. My way to "make" time has been to stop cooking dinner for the family. Yeah, I have turned into one of those super lazy moms who orders food and eats out more nights than not. I hate it. I hate that I am feeding my family sub-standard food and I am spending way too much money while I am doing it. My challenge (cause resolutions are soo last year) for this year is to cook for my family at least 6 days a week. I love to eat out with my family and am not willing to give that up, but I need to do it a lot less.

So...
Tonight I made:
Pulled pork sandwiches on homemade whole wheat rolls
chips
pickles

Yeah, nothing super special, but I made it at home so that is something.

Don't get caught in a fire here

2010-12-31T17:36:00.000-08:00

Body found in Schenectady debris

SCHENECTADY - The body of a missing man was found around 11:30AM Friday while demolition crews were taking down a building at 902 McClellan Street, police said. The building was heavily damaged by fire earlier on December 10.

It's not immediately clear if the person was a victim of the fire, now labeled as "suspicious."

It was undiscovered in the three-story building but neighbors confirm to NewsChannel 13 that a man living on the top floor has not been seen since the fire.

The demolition crew discovered the body of a white male, police said. As a result of the fire the City of Schenectady determined the structure to be unsafe.

Fire crews on scene that night determined the building to be structurally unsound and pulled the fire fighters from the building and continued to work to contain the fire. The body was discovered on the third floor of the structure where the majority of the damage occurred from the fire. The identity of the victim is still unknown.

So please, if I should go missing after my house has burned to the ground, please have someone come look for my body because apparently the city of Schenectady can not put two and two together. 20 days...it took them 20 days to find the body. It's a corner with two major pharmacies, a gas station, a bank and a grocery store and still they couldn't figure out that maybe they should look inside the burned building for the man that lived there. God help us!

we made it into the official video

2010-11-22T19:46:00.000-08:00

min 2:35...that is me and Keith. Kind of cool to have made it into the official video!

God save the Queen

2010-10-30T08:32:00.000-07:00

That's Phoebe in the queen outfit about to land on her face. It was the school parade and they all started running and down she went. No damage though so it's all good.

I don't have the energy lately to do much of anything, but I did get the parade, and I did take some pictures.

I love that pink wall and calzones

2010-10-24T20:30:00.000-07:00

"Oh my god! I love that pink wall and calzones"

That was the repsonse I got from Keira tonight as I stood in her room, hand cramped beyond belief, finishing up the last coat (hopefully) of paint on the new room. I have finally broken down and begun the transformation from two bedroom for the girls to one bed room. The paint is on the wall (a nice pale pink that I would normally despise but am pleased with because they love it) a new light fixture is waiting to be put up, the bunk beds are ordered and awaiting delivery and the girls are asking every 15 minutes if it is done yet. Moving them into one room means that Keith and I can finally have a bedroom again. It has been a long three years sleeping in the living room, taking out the bed every night, picking it up every morning, and I am more than anxious to have a room to call my (our) own.

*****************************

In other news

I am on vacation from work and for the first time in months I don't feel like killing someone. There was no one in particular I was thinking about snuffing out...just that generalized anger that makes me think that a post apocalyptic world would be a delight if only for the lack of people left around to annoy me. I think I needed this vacation!

letting it go

2010-09-30T18:31:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to let go of the stress from work. I work on a very busy hospital unit, I'm just a secretary, but it is stressful and chaotic and exhausting. It often makes me cry, but even more often makes me angry. Angry at patients who are so non-compliant that they not only put themselves at risk but the staff, at my co-workers who never stop complaining about everything, at the administration that doesn't hear or doesn't care about the concerns of the floor staff, at myself for not having thicker skin and just doing my job without internalizing so much, and at my family who then demand so much of me after having spent my entire day being spun in circles. I've always had a problem with being patient and I grew up in a household where the normal mode of communication was yelling and so I already have issues with snapping too quickly and speaking too loudly but over the past few months I have been becoming progressively more short with the kids. I have a hard time even dealing with them on a day to day basis without raising my voice or out right yelling. I hate it. But I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to let it go at the end of the work day and go home and start over from a peaceful place.
Today Phoebe told me that sometimes at school she likes to just play by herself because she like the quite alone time; that playing by herself makes her heart sing because it is calm. I don't know if she needs that quiet time at school because that is something that I have failed to give her; a time here in her home when her heart can sing, or if it's just because she likes her own games over those that the other kids are playing. Is she being strong by not catering to the others or is she pulling into herself because I've manged to fuck her up already. Either way I need to learn to let the stress go, learn to be more calm, more peaceful. I just don't know how.

the positive side of schools...

2010-09-28T17:20:00.000-07:00

I use to have the idea that I would home school. I thought about all the great trips that we could go on to learn lessons (We're in prime Revolutionary War territory) and the type of curriculum that I would use but after just a few weeks of Phoebe in school I have come to realize that homeschooling is not something I could do. I have far to little patience to teach. I should have known this. I was originally an elementary ed major in college. Then I got a job at a summer camp and realized that I love children...I hate teaching them. I dropped my major for sociology and started working with the teens at the camp the following year.

I understand that being a parent means teaching but it is not the same, and I'll admit that I am not even all that patient as a parent. When I was trying to teach Phoebe to ride a bike I just about threw the bike out into the middle of the road from frustration. The 15 minutes of homework she gets going over reading words each night just abut sends me to the mental ward. I have to give it to people who are able to deal with a room full of children and get them to do anything...ever...cause I really don't know if I could do it. I want Phoebe to enjoy her education and at this point and time that means me turning that over to someone more capable than myself. Now...I have to teach myself how to deal with 15 minutes of reading without scaring her forever.

ahh vacation...

2010-09-25T18:55:00.000-07:00

Not from work, I haven't had one of those yet this year (I did just in for a week in October but haven't heard it its approved yet). I've been on vacation from school. It's the first time I've had more than 3 days off since January and it is making me rethink the whole school thing. OK, not really, but having free time every night has been fabulous! I've spent little to no time on the computer and have overloaded on the boob tube. Netflix has made it possible for me to watch at least a dozen movies and season one of Hoarders as well as the first season of Dexter (my new favorite show). Perhaps it is not a great use of my time but considering I never get to watch tv it was a decadent treat. I read a book too. It hasn't been all brain numbing drooling.

Since I am not on vacation from work though I was not able to stop Keith from the purchase he made today. I got a call at work today from my lovely husband who made the announcement, "Kittens are on sale." I think since the words "I'll divorce you" didn't come out of mouth he took the conversationn as a go ahead and we now have another cat.

Meet Pumpkin. The girls wanted to name her Trick or Treat so Keith compromised with the something kind of Halloweeny. She's very cute and sweet and is curled up in Keira's room which has made Keira the happiest girls in the world. If I had been present there would be no new cat in the house but Keira is so pleased to have her own pet (the dog is Phoebe's) that I have no other choice than to let it stay. So add more feedings and litter box cleaning and picking up of knocked over items to my to do list.

Time to take another route

2010-09-20T18:39:00.000-07:00

to the market and the bank. Seems my current route is more dangerous than I thought. Oh I knew it was not a good neighborhood and yeah there had been shootings and murders over there for a long time but they were always at night. Night time shootings are way different then daytime shootings. Mainly...well because I would not have direnve over there at night but I drove through there all the time during the day.

Times Union

Police Chief Mark Charies said Sunday that police investigators were looking for suspects in the killing, in which Reese was wounded in the chest by a shotgun blast around 3:15 p.m. Saturday near the intersection of Watt Street and Tremont Avenue. Reese died at the scene.Chaires said Reese did not live in the city, but had relatives in the area.

I sit at the stop sign on that corner all the time...with my kids in the car...There is a school and a Head Start with a playground out front just down the road.

Evey so often I start getting comfortable with Schenectady and I begin to think that maybe we should stay here, we can redo the house and live happily ever after without having to move...and then there is another shooting that is even closer than the last and I am shaken back into reality that this city is no longer worth the investment.

Oh the irony

2010-09-11T19:06:00.000-07:00

at least in that Alanis Morrisette meaning of irony... What am I taking about? Oh only the fact that my computer caught a virus while I was researching viruses for my Micro class! See not really ironic; more that it really stinks in a somewhat amusing fashion. Ohh but I have my iPhone now so I can stay connected to the world...only I duck at this texting stuff! It took me ten minutes to gps out those few sentences...

Not sure I'm cut out for this job

2010-09-10T18:28:00.000-07:00

mother of a school kid that is. It is so much more work, so much more time, so much more exhausting, so much more overwhelming than I thought it would be....and we've only done three half days so far. Everyday there are fundraisers to sign up for and sell for, and notes from the teacher, and meetings for this and that, and....and I already feel like I can't handle all of these demands. I get home from work and I have to start preparing everything for the next day and...when do I get to spend time with the kids?? It's constantly doing, doing, doing...There are 5 meeting this month and 6 fundraisers already and show and tell based on a specific color for the next TEN school days! Am I crazy? I have school schedules for lunch posted (most of which are complete crap and I need to make a lunch) and for school meetings, and for gym days, and for fundraiser deadlines and for what color needs to be brought in on what day. AHHHHHHHH!!!!AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I hope this gets easier.

The first day of the rest of her life

2010-09-08T19:47:00.000-07:00

We did it, we made it through the first day of school.

She was very excited about going. Yes this picture doesn't show it but that was more because she was not excited about taking pictures. When she found out that Grandma and Pop pop were going to come over to take pictures she got a bit more into the whole sit nice and smile bit.

When we got to the school they had everyone line up in the gym. Right away Phoebe spotted Geeta (not really her name) and wanted to say hi to her. She was brave and went over and started talking. All was right in the world. We got to see her classroom and get her settled into her desk (she has her desk right next to Geeta!) and then the teacher kicked all of us sad eyed parent out.

We picked her up at 11:30 today, the first three days are half days and then on Monday she starts full days, and she said it was awesome but she looked sad. After a lot of prodding I got that she thought she was sick because her tummy was "bumpy" and she thought she may throw up. She had been afraid to tell the teacher she felt like throwing up. Oh! She was nervous, so nervous she almost made herself sick. She was completely surprised when I took her temperature and it was normal. I don't think she has even felt that kind of nervousness before and she did not know what to make of it.

We talked about it, a lot, because Phoebe likes to talk about how she is feeling. She knows that things will get more familiar and that she'll fell less scared each day. I'm not sure she entirely believes me but she did repeat it to Grandma later when they spoke on the phone so I hope that she remembers it tomorrow when she feels her tummy get bumpy again.

Forgetting the simple things

2010-09-07T20:40:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it is stress or lack of sleep or early Alzheimer's or the magnetic pull of the earth but lately I can not remember the most simple things. For the past two days I have not been able to remember my code for punching in and out at work. Normally I punch a four digit number into a keypad and then put my palm on this reader thing and beep, I'm punched in. Those four digits have been completely erased from my mind. No recollection what so ever and the more I try to remember them the further they get away from me. I can't remember patient' names...everyone is Mr 9B, or Miss 2A... or that person I was talking to you about earlier...yeah it's HIIPA compliance...that's why I'm doing it....

alarm clock, working and bomb threats...

2010-09-06T20:26:00.000-07:00

What do these three things have in common? They all played an important role in how my day played out. I had to work today... yeah hospital workers don't get holidays off...or at least every other holiday is not off. Now that we have meandered into the month of September it is getting more difficult to wake up early; it's dark, it's chilly, it's nicer to be in bed then to be anywhere else. When I opened my eyes this morning I noticed that it was bright, too bright to before 5:45. 5:45 is the time my alarm clock has been set to. It has been set to this time for ohh... pretty much forever. Seriously, like 5 or 6 years at least. The clock shows me that I am indeed right, it is way past 5:45...it's 6:58...two minutes before I am supposed to punch into work. As life has it Keith decided to change the alarm clock to 7:45 for, for, for...who the hell knows why he did it. I managed to get myself to work at 7:20 and that included the Dunkin Donut drive thru for some French Vanilla Coffee (light and sweet baby, light and sweet!) 22 minutes from bed to punch in...pretty damn impressive if you ask me! Of course, I didn't brush my hair and I was able to park in the garage today since it was a holiday but still...pretty damn impressive!

Oh and the bomb threat part...Had one of those at work today. Fun, fun, fun. I know I like to spend my holidays wandering around the unit trying to look inconspicuous and searching for "anything suspicious." It was nothing of course but it does just add to the list of reasons on why I need a vacation. (I've had two days of vacation this year and I was walking 18 miles on those days)

Happy Labor Day!!!

deeper shade

2010-09-04T12:59:00.000-07:00

No one makes cool music anymore.

My first school event as a parent

2010-09-02T18:04:00.000-07:00

I attended my first school event as a parent tonight. There was a new parent orientation at the school. It went over the school rules, the uniforms (yes, there are uniforms!), and the let off, pick up procedures. I also had to sign some papers to allow for a background check. I don't know, I guess something has prompted the Catholic church to start looking into the type of people they allow around children...can't imagine why. (I also have to do some training session through the diocese next week) We got to meet the Phoebe's teacher (nice) and some of the kids who are going to be in her class. Phoebe fell in love with the girl in the white dress who's name is Geeta. Ok, that's not really her name but it is what Phoebe (who calls herself Darshie) has decided to call her.

A preview of the uniform

This morning Phoebe told me, "Because I am going to go to school now I won't need you anymore."

I think that I am going to be one of those mom's who cries. The reality that she is growing up has really begun to sink in and while I know that she is of course going to continue to need me, our relationship is going to drastically change. I think she is more ready for that change than I am.

Aww f*$%$

2010-08-15T19:07:00.000-07:00

Ok, that's it. I admit it. I can not handle my own life anymore. Or at least not handle it and use the computer for anything more than my school work. I am taking Microbiology which means even more reading than all the reading I complained about in the past. I am getting my 5 year old (yes, Phoebe turned 5. I don't get how it happened) ready to start school in just a few weeks. I'm dealing with the house by myself on a nightly basis. I'm trying to keep the dog from eating everything we own (then puking it up on the carpet 30 minutes later). Oh and I working. I'm constantly juggling things around trying to just keep up...but I'm happy. Or at least as happy as this melancholy baby will ever be.

I haven't had time to read a book or blog in weeks now. I'm looking forward to the slower pace of the fall and winter (or with a kid in school will the pace increase even more?). I'm adjusting to Keith working the evening shift (the money is good, real good. Like don't have to worry about the bills, pay off our debt, have money in the savings again good) but it has been hard and now I don't get to do my nightly walks to blow off steam and re-group.

I'm trying though, and the first step is to go and get the laundry out of the washer.

All my friends know the low rider

2010-07-24T18:33:00.000-07:00

Ok, so it's only a Jetta but, it's new...well ok used...but it's mine...or it will be on Monday. We bought a 2005 black Jetta with heated leather seats and a moon roof and dual climate control and more bells and whistles than I have ever had on any car in my life. And we got it for a good price too. They had just "sold" the car to another woman whose financing had fallen through and it either had to get sold this weekend or it was going to auction.
I'm pretty excited about it. I have never had a nice car before and while it is not new it is nice. Keith gets to keep the Malibu for another year while we pay down some more bills and save up a little more money and then it will be his turn for a truck.

Can I get an Amen!

2010-07-18T19:58:00.000-07:00

Keith passed the Boards. The studying is done, the complaining about studying is done, the books for all the studying are done (well he hasn't moved them out yet but at least they are in one place and not covering every surface). He's still on days doing his orientation but in another week or two he will be moving to evenings.

I'm already trying to plan my strategy on how we are going to handle keeping up a house when we are never in the house at the same time. I'm thinking of taking a tip from Supernanny (ewww, did I just publicly admit that I watch that--it makes me feel so much better about my own parenting fails when I see how off the charts other people get) and setting up a chore chart. Except that this one will be more for Keith and I then for the girls, although I do plan on officially handing them some work to start doing.

I'm going to have to make some sort of plan because Phoebe starts Kindergarten in only a month and a half now! I am not in the mood for a mental break down so Keith is going to have to actually stop playing the video games (pretty much all he has done since finishing up school) and do some work.

In other news of the I'm so busy I could puke ride that is my current life: My garden is a pile of dried out weeds this year. I have done almost nothing to it since the second week of June. It's sad. I have not weeded, watering has been sporadic (ok, watering has only happened when it has rained). It's downright shameful really how much I have ignored the yard in general this year. I was so looking forward to being outside and having the garden be a wonderful place to relax and instead I have a mini jungle that smells of rotting grape tomatoes.

Phoebe's 5th birthday is coming up and so far she has asked for: "My First Chemistry Set" and a princess clock...

The Walk (Part 2)

2010-07-10T18:43:00.000-07:00

The start of the walk. The first few initial miles where packed with people. It was difficult to actually walk at times but the streets of Boston where beautiful.

Somwhere in that blur is Sam Adam's grave. He was the name sake of my favorite beverage (alas, I haven't one in almost 12 years)...oh I heard something about founding father or something....

The State House, site of the Boston Massacre. While I walking I saw a tourist bus that was doing tours of Boston's Haunted spots. I bet that would be a cool tour. Even if you don't believe in the paranormal Boston has such a rich, vivid and violent history that would be sure to keep anyone interested.

A walk by of Cheers. This was still within the first mile and I was still in a large pack of people. I wish now that I had stopped a bit more often to actually look at some of the points of interest. I had no idea how long the walk would take me though and I just kept plowing along.

The Citgo sign and some random chick.

Boston at dusk

It got dark pretty quick. This on the bike trail on the river.

This Yankee's girl was never so happy to see Fenway. This was just shy of mile 7.

Their mascot something or other. I took a picture but could not bring myself to stand near him.

Boston University. I remember very little about this part of the walk other than I refilled my bottles with some Gatorade.

Mile 10. This is out on the boardwalk near the Harbor. We had our midnight meal at Fort Independence Park. Ham and Cheese, a bag of Cape Cod chips (my favorite), a plum and a chocolate chip cookie. It was in the top 5 of all time best meals I have ever had. The plum was so good I was licking the juice off my arm....Or maybe I was just delirious at that point.

Murphy's Law

A rest stop at mile 14

Boston Aquarium

Made it! Miles 18!!

The Luminaries

in honor of those who lost hope

I love ya Boston!

Overwhelmed

2010-07-03T20:22:00.000-07:00

I have more school work than I know how to fit into a week. This week I have 11 assignments including two tests, two research papers and a power point presentation. The other assignments are a smattering of labs, discussion assignments and two page synopsis(es)-how do you pluralize that word?) of articles. On top of this I am working everyday this week and am scheduled for overtime. Thinking about how to fit all this in with kids and dinners and laundry is making me want to curl up in the fetal position.

The Walk (Part 1)

2010-06-30T20:31:00.000-07:00

It was an amazing experience. By check in Saturday afternoon I had raised a total of $1020! I am amazed by the generosity of those in my life. Boston was, of course, wonderful. It is the home I have never lived in; I truly love that city and the visit has reminded Keith and I that even with kids we can still have the goal to someday live there.

The check in process was lengthy (my own fault though for not submitting all the required paper work in time) so Keith and I got there early as they were setting up. The starting point was right in front of City Hall and right next to a CVS store that Keith and I bought cigarettes from the last time we were in Boston. (that was about ten years ago, it was when we were looking for jobs there in our first attempt to become Bostonians)

By arriving early I got through registration with enough time before the walk to take the train to the hotel, get some dinner and take a nap.

Keith and I mastered the Green Line by the end of the weekend.

We got back to the start off point at 6:30 and were amazed by the amount of people who were partaking in the walk. More than 1,500 walkers, crew and family gathered at Government center for the opening ceremonies.

The ceremonies were touching. There were songs that made us cry, stories of loss, and cheers of hope and recovery. Although there were many tears shed as we heard of the tragic loss of so many there was an ever present sense in the belief that we can help change these numbers, affect others lives.

By the time the walk was to begin though I was no longer worried about not making it the whole way, I was worried about giant blisters and missing toenails. I heard some gnarly stories from previous participants around me about the damage they had gotten in previous walks and although I was smiling I was worried about the amount of pain that I would experience that night.

The bicyclists where the wonderful men and woman who guided us through the streets of Boston. They kept us on trail, they kept us encouraged and they kept us from getting run over by cars. They are an amazing group of people who gave so much. The entire crew of volunteers who helped that night were amazing. They were loving, supportive and gave us food, water and potties.

The journey:

18 miles is a long way and when I saw the map of the night I was astonished by just how much of Boston we would be covering. I think in my mid I envisioned a much shorter walk (like half of what it really was). We covered a lot of ground and saw a lot of sights. Every few miles there was a rest stop or quick stop so we could rest and get dehydrated. There were cheering stations along the way where friends and family could show us the encouragement we needed to take another step and there were of course the many drunks who gave us props and high fives for our determination.

A few days

2010-06-23T18:29:00.000-07:00

Just a few more days until the Out of Darkness Walk. I have raised an amazing $845 so far. THANK YOU!!!! I'm still a little short of my goal but considering how far away from it I was just a few weeks ago I am overwhelmed by the support I have gotten recently. I have a few more people who tell me they plan on donating and a matching contribution from GE to come as some point so I may just make it over the mark by this weekend.

The girls and the dog will be staying at my parents and Keith will be coming with me. He plans on walking with me (unregistered) but I am a little worried that he may not be able to make the whole walk. Heck, I'm a little worried that I may not be able to make it. I've been doing mini walks but with work, school and the kids I never got any long training walks in. 18 miles is a long way to walk in one night even with some breaks, although it sounds like it will be a beautiful walk.

The early miles of the route will take you alongside the Boston Common, through Back Bay, and then over the Charles River . As your journey continues, we encourage you to share your story with your fellow Walkers as you walk along the banks of the river and past world-renowned educational institutions.

You’ll cross back over the river and stroll past Boston University and head out toward the famous Fenway Park before turning back downtown. You’ll have plenty of opportunities to rest and refresh both your body and spirit at one of our fully supported Stops, including a late night Midnight Snack. As dawn approaches, you’ll have time to collect your thoughts as you head back toward the finish line. The steps along the final miles will take you through the Seaport and Boston harbor and will provide an opportunity to think through your journey, reflect, and relax your tired body and busy mind.

As you return to City Hall Plaza and walk across the finish line you’ll be inspired by thousands of luminaria and the sounds of friends, family and other walkers cheering you in. Sunrise and the Closing Ceremony mark the end of this journey but the start of a new one – one with a renewed sense of hope, empowerment, and an increased determination to walk just as far as needed to eliminate the suffering caused by suicide and depression. You will have had the experience of a lifetime.
.

My own personal journey with suicide has been long and difficult though so I know that with some persistence and self confidence and with the support I have gotten from people throughout the country that I can make it to the end in one piece.

The Rose Garden

2010-06-20T18:34:00.000-07:00

Happy Father's Day!

A girl and her dog

2010-06-19T19:59:00.000-07:00

Phoebe loves her dog. I have never seen a child more in love with their dog than Phoebe, or at least not in real life. In the movies kids are always devoted beyond belief to their little mutts. Phoebe is so in love with him that I sometimes worry that she is going to smoother him to death. She carries him around, and as she did here, she puts him in her play house and forces him to play house. He is a good dog though and puts up with any nonsense that she forces onto him.

I have to admit for a person who is not all that fond of dogs I am falling in love with him too. I am looking forward to getting out of the puppy stage when he will stop eating the furniture and the carpet...and the girl's toys...and the shoes...and the....

Sleeping with the fish

2010-06-17T19:40:00.000-07:00

Remember the fish tank...the one that started as a 20 gallon and evolved into a 30 gallon live plant tank...with a 20 gallon salt tank on the side. Yeah, they're doing beautiful. The live plant tank is really settling into it's own little ecosystem. We had some problems initially with the water being way to green but once we figured out that the filter was plugged into the timer and turning off for 14 hours a day things started to improve. Duh!

It so alive and green in all the right places and the variety of tetras mean there is a lot of movement despite being a small tank.

HELLO says the Gourami. He's the only "large" fish in the tank.

And then there is the salt water tank. I knew once we had any tank it would mean having a salt tank soon.

It's doing good though and while Keith has added more than the promised clown fish he has managed to stay fairly tame.

That green is grape algae and the clown fish are often found tucked inside like it is an anemone.

Cleaner shrimp

Take a long Hike...

2010-06-15T12:08:00.000-07:00

I really miss being a stay at home.My schedule got really screwed up this week and I found myself having today off. It was a beautiful day and the girls and I went down to the river to take a hike and have some fun.

It was one thing during the cruddy winter months to not be home finding interesting and fun things for the girls to do...now that the weather is beautiful I hate being cooped up at work. Keith does not like going on adventures so he pretty much keeps the kids cooped up in the house all day.

Today we leaned about the Mohawk River, and a little about Mohawk Indians. I'll have to find some more fun stuff about the Mohawks for them over the next few days.

We took about a two mile hike. I was impressed with their stamina. Keira pooped out on the return trip and had me carry her for a ways, but she still did so well with the distance we went.

Below is some sort of pump house, filtration house...something that is owned by General Electric. Phoebe saw it and decided that she thought it was Jesus house. Ha!

Ohhhhhhhh

2010-06-12T11:50:00.000-07:00

Amazing....I can post from my phone. Not that I have the need to. All the same, for a girl that was brought up using 8-track it's pretty damn nifty.

Back in the days

2010-06-11T21:23:00.000-07:00

of the much cooler me, before I was married, and a mom...and before I was sober, I worked at a recording studio. One band that worked with was The Misfits. I was cleaning out some old boxes today and came across some pictures (one of those concert booklets with all the photos) they had autographed and given me. I hadn't thought about Jerry, Doyle, Chud and Michael (American Psycho had Graves on vocals) in a long time. What I remember most about them was that they were recording their album when Columbine happened. I can remember sitting in the lounge with them as all those teens streamed out the doors and climbed out windows and the band sat there watching and hoping that whoever was responsible was not wearing one of their t-shirts.

Before Columbine...schools were so different before Columbine. When we visited Phoebe's elementary we had to be buzzed in through the doors and let out through another set of locked doors. I remember the striking difference between my own childhood experience in school and the one my children will experience. Crazy how two people can make such a difference; how two troubled teens can change the way schools across the country operate.

iwent modern

2010-06-09T18:53:00.000-07:00

I haven't owned a cell phone for...well pretty much forever. I had a brief stint with one many, many years ago but I after only 12 phone calls made in a year I decided it was a waste of money and dumped it. I haven't had one since. That all changed yesterday. Not only did a I get a cell phone, I got an iphone. Ohhhh, yes I know. Major upgrade.

It happened because of the damn Apple Store. Keith and I went out to celebrate the kids not being attached to our hip (sleeping party at the in-laws!) and had a nice dinner of fondue and expensive ice tea. The Apple Store was right there. I had been contemplating an ipod for my Overnight Walk (see the side bar to sponsor me in the plight to prevent suicide), Keith is always contemplating buying anything that is shiny and so we wandered into the store. We were immediately pounced upon by a man in a blue shirt and before we knew it we were walking out the store with a lot less money.

a little entertainment for your viewing pleasure.

I think having a decent income has gone to our head. We went from squeezing our pennies to throwing fist fulls of cash into the air. I'm sure after the shock of not having to wash out zip lock bags for future use, not having to strategically open and close blinds to maximize the heating/cooling system wears off I will go back to my frugal ways. I enjoy being a cheapskate and I'm not willing to give it up...but it sure is nice to have a vacation from it.

the ho-hum of life

2010-06-07T16:32:00.000-07:00

Thirsty

Fun

Sometimes the stories in the news, the actions of the neighborhood, the politics of the workplace become too much to even think about.

It is then that I am so thankful for these children I get to see grow.

Because for a few minutes I can stop thinking about the oil in the ocean, the economy that is on life support, the young men getting shot in the streets, and the petty attitudes I deal with every day.

For these moments that I share with them are full of joy,

of happiness,

of peace.

Kids do the dumbest things

2010-06-06T18:39:00.000-07:00

I warned her

Raising money for suicide prevention has made me depressed

2010-06-04T20:17:00.000-07:00

I have only a few weeks left until the Overnight walk in Boston. It is an 18 mile overnight walk to raise money for suicide prevention. This walk is something that I have wanted to do for a few years and only this year got the nerve to sign up for. It has a minimum requirement of $1000 in pledges and the amount seemed overwhelming to me. I talked to friends and family and they were all very supportive and claimed they would sponsor me and help me out. Well I have three weeks left and have raised only $150, $50 of which I donated myself. None of the people who said they would sponsor me have. Today was the last day for mailed in sponsors and yet the form was hanging on my parent's refrigerator in the same spot it has since December.

I'm heart broken and feel so unsupported by my family and friends. This is something that really means a lot to me. When I was in my twenties I dealt with issues of depression and tried to kill myself. It has taken me many years to feel comfortable with the person I am and I still struggle with feelings of hopelessness to this day. This complete lack of support makes me doubt the trust I have put in my family, makes me wonder if they will be there for me if I ever need them again. It's not about the money, although I am starting to fear that I will have to make up the remaining $850 myself, it's that they said they would be supportive but when push came to shove they kept putting it off.

Closer I am to fine.

2010-06-03T19:59:00.000-07:00

I had a sudden realization this morning as I was making my morning walk from the car to the hospital this morning that it has been 18 years since I graduated from high school. I'm normally am not too sensitive to the whole I'm getting so old thing, but every so often I had these moments of fear when I realize that my youth is gone and I am headed towards arthritis and heart disease and....a life of broken plans.

I can tell you one thing...I thought I had life figured out when I was 18 and I realize now that I know so very little. For the most part I am ok with that.

Burrito the dog the giraffe is now

2010-05-30T19:05:00.000-07:00

Phoebe has this little stuffed giraffe that she has had since before she just a baby. She loves it and always had. She calls it Burrito the dog...except it's a giraffe. She began pretending it was a dog around the time she started asking for a dog...and asking....and asking...and asking. She has been asking for a dog for about a year now. Keith and I decided that after having put up with the ups and downs of nursing school that the kids had earned themselves a dog. Introducing.........

Burrito the dog the Dachshund.....

He's an AKC certified pure bred long hair Dachshund, a little over 5 months and we got him at a wonderful price (think $1,000 off original price because of his age).

The girls are thrilled. They want to take him for walks, and feed him, and bathe him, and.... All the things that I know shortly they will have no interest in doing and I will be stuck with. It's alright though. I think I actually like the little booger. He's the perfect size for us. Our small house and yard will be enough room for him yet he is not a "little" dog. (he's not going into anyone's purse ever!)

Irving, on the other hand (paw?), is hardy happy with the new family member.

yeah, no happy family reunion going on here. (yeah! Look at those potatoes growing!)

Keeping a happily high distance.

But Keith is happy too. Burrito was an easy pick, we saw him and fell in love. Phoebe as a matter of a fact, looked as me and giggled " I'm in puppy love."

The girls have a new playmate, a friend for years....

Oh, and a brand new nifty playhouse..........

in between a vicious facebook debate and bed time

2010-05-25T18:04:00.000-07:00

Here is how much a little nice weather can help with a new garden.

There is some potato sprouts popping through that dirt already. I have to get some more dirt or I'll suddenly have a whole lot of growth and nothing to cover it with.

The watermelon plant is coming along and growing.

Eggplant...so far this is the farthest I have gotten with an eggplant seedling. I have never had success with eggplant and have only gotten fruit off fully grown potted plants before.

My greens are looking happy!

Whoa mama! The zucchini plants have gotten pretty darn big so far. I guess they like the confines of a pot. This is another plant I've never been terribly successful with and while I have gotten a few fruit off my plants of past they only grew to be slightly larger than they are right now. I hope they do well in these pots.

I have a little line of peas coming up. I afraid that the other side along the fence is not showing as much progress...of course it has also been used as a litter box so I may be lucky if I get anything. I do hope to get a good crop this year since Phoebe is so wild about fresh peas.

And the god-awful mess that I don't even know what to do with. That mess behind the shed are vines that I have dug up a half dozen times. I think the next step is going to be to dose them with a heavy hand of chemicals. I tried to go the natural way but those nasty vines are beginning to knock over the fence, break apart the garage foundation and have already grown through several glass windows. They are a menace!

I bet my kids won't get suspended for this

2010-05-23T18:56:00.000-07:00

Here is just another reason why I am so glad that we are able to keep Phoebe OUT of the Schenectady school district. This has made national headlines (figures Schenectady gets all those great headlines like roaches, rosary beads and martial law)

Student suspended for wearing rosary beads

Raymond said on Monday that the principal at Oneida Middle School told him to take off or hide his rosary per school policy. But he didn't and went back to school on Tuesday. When Raymond went in on Wednesday he was suspended.

District leaders tell FOX23 News and the school's policy states that students may not wear beads out of concern they may be gang related.

I'm fairly sure that the Catholic School we have choosen over the city school district would not suspend a child for wearing rosary beads....not that we're Catholic...or wear rosary beads. For me it has less to do with the actual Rosary beads and any religious connotation that may have and more to do with a school district that has no clue on how to make rational decisions. Rosary beads worn in memory of a un uncle that passed recently from cancer is in no way similar to gang beads. The fact that the school district can not see that is ridiculous. They make sweeping rules about jewlery and yet they can not figure out how to get more than half the students to actaully be proficiant in math or reading.

Graduation

2010-05-23T07:26:00.000-07:00

With honors, top of the nursing program.

Spring means to me

2010-05-20T13:12:00.000-07:00

two of the wonderful things in life....my garden, and Jumpkin' Jacks!

Jumpin' Jack's in an age old institution of the area. It's the best outdoor burger place anywhere. They've been around since 1952, serving the best burgers since '57, and becoming the place to go on a hot summer evening when turning on the oven is just not going to happen.

Yes, even on a Thursday afternoon the line is long. On a Friday night you better get there an hour before you want to eat because the line will be wrapped around the parking lot a few times.

Phoebe was a bit concerned about the wait, but she managed to do well. I tried to explain that this was no "Old McDonald's" burger and that this was totally worth the wait.

Wow, Keira really needs a hair cut!

Was it worth the wait? Oh yes, yes it was. The burgers were great, the fries and onion rings wonderfully crispy without being greasy. I ate mine, and then Keith's and then finished what the girls did not eat. (I'll not have to eat for the next few days now)

Of course no Jumpin' Jack's trip is complete without a cone.

...and then there is the garden. Yeah! I planted the garden. At least I planted most of it.

I have a few tomato plants, a few eggplants and a watermelon plant at this end.

I have a few zucchini plants in containers this year. I want to see how well I can grow them in pots. If they don't work I'll have to find a new place in the yard next year.

I just planted these seeds on Sunday and they are already sprouting! Woohoo. Greens are great for immediate gratification!

but the most exciting part...

...I'm going for the potatoes this year.

Oh yes! I have a potato condo. Thank you Dad! We'll see how well this experiment works!

Hope you are enjoying Spring as much as I am!

Done

2010-05-17T18:21:00.000-07:00

Keith is done with school. His final was tonight and he is done. Finished. That is it. Graduation is Saturday. It has taken forever and it is now finally here and I'm happy and excited and relieved and nervous. It means so many big changes are right around the corner, changes that we have been waiting for, for years waiting for them, and now they are going to start to happen.

We’ve started to think about a second car. Keith will be working the opposite shift from me (so much for seeing one another, not everything will change at first), but there will be a lag over of the shifts. We need another car or else we will have to drag the kids out early each morning and late each night to drop off and pick up one another from work. It could work short term but I doubt that sitting around a hospital parking lot close to midnight would be the girl’s idea of fun. We have decided that I will be getting the new *very used* car. We’re thinking somewhere between $2,000-$4,000. I’m willing to drive a real piece of junk that will get me a mile and half to and from work…and to the grocery store.

The major point is that not having to owe anything on it. The other car is almost paid off and I do not want to add another car loan just yet. I want to save…and save big time. I want a bigger house. Two bedrooms, very small bedrooms that is, on a very small city plot is not working with the vision we have for our family. We have been discussing the idea of having a third baby (I actually struck a deal with Keith, he gets a clown fish tank and I get a homebirth-but that is another discussion all together), and we will need more room for that.

Even with socking away money for a house our standard of living is going to improve dramatically over the next few months. Phoebe will being going to school (she is registered and paid in full), and we are thinking of getting Keira into a preschool program three days a week in order to fill the void that will be created by losing her best friend to kindergarten. Life is going to change…and quickly. So I’m happy that Keith is finished with school, but a little scared too.

Rockin it out

2010-05-10T19:20:00.000-07:00

We bought Guitar Hero for our Wii. I love it. We actually invited people over to our house (non-family people, like having a social life type people) and had a tv blaring, laugh out loud rockin' good time. Now, I will admit it was nowhere near the same as my days in the past when I knew people who actually could play real life instruments (my dear friends Chris and Ray could really do a kick ass version of Ziggy Stardust), but it was a lot of fun.

We had a friend of mine from high school over with her family. After not having seen each other in almost 15 years the good old Facebook hooked us up again and we got together. Turns out we only live about ten minutes apart (by car of course because who walks anymore?). This second gt together was celebrated with the ritalistic brining out of the old photo albulm. I really don't remember my hair being that big in the '80s. Really...it was huge...I don't know how that happened.

yummm, veggie stir fry with frankfurters...

2010-05-04T19:21:00.000-07:00

Wait, ewwwww!!!! Yes, while looking for a recipe on line for vegtable stir fry I came across several that called for frankfurters. Google it if you don't believe me, but only if you feel the need to vomit a bit.

The girls and I made a much nice version. I wish I had written down the recipe because it was quite tasty. It had some pineapple and orange juice in it so it had a nice sweetness to it. We served it over fried rice...a recipe that we got as the suprise bonus at the end of this Kai-Lan game. It's simple, yummy and something that the kids have a great time helping make.

Right now their job is still mainly stirring things but I am begining to teach Phoebe on how to use a knife.

What can I say? She is who she is...

Keira gets a turn

The final product. Phoebe and I loved it. Keira hated it. She doesn't really count at this point though because she is going through a stage where she hates everything.

Phoebe normally helps set the table for dinner. As normal she set it and this is what I walked out to see. Keira's favorite blanket makes a wonderful table cloth.

things are progressing

2010-05-01T18:59:00.000-07:00

Life is still as hectic as it has been the past few months. I feel as though I barely have time to do anything other then work, school and hang out with the kids. Keith is finishing school in just a few short weeks. It's going by so quickly and yet it has been such a long road till this pint. The girls are growing faster than I could have ever imagined. It amazes me how quickly they are growing up. I feel like I should pay more attention, document it better, or at least sit and really absorb the wonderfulness that they are.

Yesterday Keira ran up to me to tell me that she had lost her balance and fallen. She was fine, but she hadn't found her balance yet even though she know it was around somewhere. She figured that it would show up at some point. The logic of a three year old is beautiful...an hilarious. Are all kids so funny?

We have plans this summer for some house remodeling. Nothing big, just redoing Keira's room and making it Keira and Phoebe's room. I want a bedroom again desperately and so it is time for the girls to bunk up. They have been sleeping together most days now (they call them sleeping parties) so I think the time is perfect for them just to share a room. Keira's is the larger of the two so they will get that one. A little paint, some carpet, some new lighting....we'll make them a princess palace they can love.

I'm training for the Overnight Walk that I am doing in June. (see side panale if you would like to be a sponse ----->) It's to raise money for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP). I have had a very lethargic winter though and ...well, let's just say I gained a few pounds and lost a lot of energy. I am getting myself moving again and should be ready for an 18 mile walk soon...or let's hope so.

you can eat them or

2010-05-01T18:43:00.000-07:00

make music with them...

She doesn't believe in fancy pants

2010-04-25T18:04:00.000-07:00

Phoebe vehemently believes that the only way to be fancy is to wear a dress. I (being the mean, awful witch of a mother I am) forced her to wear pants the other day. This is the result:

One very unhappy girl

Keira was just fine

Did I mention Phoebe was upset?

Cause she was...very much so...

She was heart broken...

Keira was fine...

Goofball!

Phoebe was still upset...

She just moved it into the kitchen...

One happy. little family???

Eventually there were smile for all...except Keith...what the heck kind of face is he making in the background there??

Longing for A&P

2010-04-20T19:25:00.000-07:00

Not the store. The class. Never did I think I would be so excited for another round of Anatomy and Physiology. I'm looking forward to something simple...with right and wrong answers...and three shorter assignments a week instead of five looooong assignments. Normally I love to write papers but these medical ethics and medical sociology and epidemiology classes that I am taking at the moment are kicking my ass. I am exhausted with the amount of papers that I have to write on a nightly basis. Four to five papers due each week for each class. Enough already! Just a few more weeks and I will get a break with my one A&P (plus lab) class for a while.

Work and school is making me a bad mother. I made the kids soup for dinner tonight. That’s it, Noodle Soup, no veggies, no nothing else. I was too tired after this very long day to even argue when they told me that is what they wanted to eat. Can I hire cook? I want real meals; I’m just so tired when I get home. I’ve been doing better. I’ve been making dinner most nights again and the majority of the time they contain more than just one food group. I’m just miserable while I’m making them, and cleaning up after them and thinking of them and eating them…. I’m not sure how the kids stand me most days anymore.

Keith got a job. Now all he has to do is actually graduate. He’ll be working evenings on a nuero floor. I think it’s going to be a great experience for him. It’ll just stink that we still will not get to see him in the evenings. You take what you can though, especially as a graduate nurse. Maybe once his first year is up he’ll get a day position. Until then though we’ll keep making due and I’ll keep trying to figure out how to make dinner for one adult and two small (very picky now) children.

Oh, the human body

2010-04-17T20:20:00.000-07:00

I took the girls down to the mall to do the "Journey through the Body." It was put on by one of the local hospitals and had lots of fun little things for the kids to look at and touch and learn about. Phoebe was much braver than I expected and decided that she had to touch every organ that was available for touching.

There was of course the big giant mouth and over sized toothbrushes that they got a kick out of. I was tempted to tell them to get right in the mouth and lie down on the tongue but the whole be a "good example" guilt trip started up and instead we listened to someone talk about the importance of keeping your teeth clean.

They enjoyed putting together a puzzle of the brain. They are just practicing for the day when they push me over the edge and mine breaks apart into little pieces. I know they love me so I trust that when I do finally crack that they will pick up the pieces and put it back together again.

They were actually interested in how the lungs work.

Phoebe's favorite part by far was touching all the organs. She got to feel a kidney, a diseased lung and a cow's heart. Keira touched only the kidney and then got freaked out by the rest and refused to touch anything else.

We ended the day with lunch at the Cheese Cake Factory. I had never been there before and was not prepared for the level of dining. I thought it was like a diner type atmosphere and while it was not fine dining it was no greasy spoon either. The girls tried to behave, and they did pretty good for their first time eating someplace with cloth napkins.

Am I living in Bagdad?

2010-04-16T20:54:00.000-07:00

Our power just went out...for the fourth time this month. I have grown very tired of the constant searching for flashlights and the constant praying that my assignment was saved and not completely lost. The lack of light brings me into another topic...that of smoking. When I was going through the whole do I have a job, do I not have a job hullabaloo a few months ago I started smoking again. Not at home, only at work. Keith was not happy with this and began throwing away any source of fire that was brought into the house. This has resulted in no possible way for me to light the stove or candles when the power goes out. I'm not even smoking anymore but he's still throwing away all the fire in the house. I must convince him to stop as my arm is growing tired of cranking the stupid flashlight every few minutes.

And some days just plain suck

2010-04-06T18:07:00.000-07:00

At least my weekend was good. Today was far from good, it was downright lousy. To start I awoke with a horrible cold. I sounded like a wounded seal for about the first hour of the day. I eventually sounded human again but the seal is coming back as the night progresses and I can hardly imagine what I will sound like tomorrow. I also had a terrible day at work. Awful, just plain awful. I ended my work day in tears in my associate manager's office, cried the whole way home, cried while I took a shower and started crying a few minutes again when I realized I have to go back tomorrow. The days of being happy with my job are over.

That's me in the corner, that's me in the spotlight

2010-04-05T19:23:00.000-07:00

We went to church yesterday for Easter. I don’t know why I go. Every time I think, “It’ll be different this time.” But every time I walk away feeling less like someone who could classify themselves as a Christian. Oh, yeah it’s my cultural identity and I know enough bible verses to be able to argue (discuss? debate?) Scripture with the common person, but there is no heart in it anymore. It feels to me that the Christian church is slowly destroying itself by concerning itself more with its own self then with God. There is no honesty, no intellectual thought. What happened this time? The youth group was performing a dance. It was a nice dance to some Christian rock song about my redeemer lives (that could be the name of it, I don’t know). The girls had ribbons and banners and it was sweet. Close to the end the CD player started skipping and the song stopped. They started over again and it happened a second time. The pastor got up and began talking about how Satan couldn’t stop us from praising God on Easter Sunday, blah, blah, blah…. Really? It was Satan sneaking into the church in the middle of service and messing with a CD player that made the music stop? Wouldn’t the more likely scenario be that the cheap piece of crap CD player scratched the disc because they were using it to practice all week? Wouldn’t the poor craftsmanship be more likely than evil sneaking into God’s house as we all worshiped? Yeah, that’s more likely but saying so would mean I was committing blasphemy or something.

I then got into an argument with my dad. I love my dad. I respect my dad. I even respect most of his views which I am totally opposed to but he said something that so utterly idiotic I have to question his judgment on all other topics. He seems to really truly 100% believe that Obama is the antichrist. Not like maybe he’s the antichrist, or I can’t stand him he’s the antichrist ha, ha, ha, or even his normal Democrats will ruin the country, he sucks….no, he adamantly believes that Obama is the antichrist. And all because Kissinger said Obama’s task is to create a new world order. Oh geeze. I love conspiracy theories. I love the whole, ohh bad new world order, the illuminati is coming to get us…but really? HE backs this belief up by telling me, “The preachers on TV are even saying it.”

This is why separation of church and state is important. It’s not about schools having Christmas trees or courts having the Ten Commandments. It’s about keeping stupid, petty politics out of religion. A generation of republicans is going to render a two thousand year old religion meaningless by reducing the importance of god to campaign sound bites. It’s pathetic.

A walk about

2010-04-03T17:40:00.000-07:00

Some days are just good.

For as much as I bad mouth this rancid little town I have to admit I love it in many ways.

Today the weather was beautiful and we decided to meander downtown and enjoy the warmth supporting some local business. (Of course that first required getting out the door)

We stopped in at The Open Door Bookstore. I used to go there often when I was in high school but it has been many, many years since I have entered its doors. It is pretty much the same comfortable bookstore it has always been. It has a great little playroom for kids to enjoy and I got to peruse the bargain books while the girls enjoyed watching the goings on at City Hall.

When Keira went to bed tonight she told me her favorite part of the day was the pink car.

Jay Street is pretty cool little street. There isn't enough business there though. When I was young it was just head shops and natural food stores (bought my first tofu at the store here way before the days of the grocery store carrying tofu). There are less head shops now, and no natural food stores but there are a few cafe's and an antique store. I kept walking by the empty store fronts wishing that I had a great idea that I could use to fill up the beautiful architecture...but alas, I have nothing.

Who knew the Betty Boop lived downtown. Keira and Phoebe got to meet the ultimate fancy girl. Shorty after this picture they began to molest her. They were fascinated by her butt. I try to keep them normal, but it's a hard job.

We stopped by Anotholgy Studio. Keith got my Valentine's Day flowers there and they were perhaps the most beautiful flowers ever. The studio is not like other flower shops around here, they don't use the national names to get customers, but use beautiful flowers and artistic design to draw in their customers. The girls picked out flowers; sunflowers and roses...a little bit country, a little bit rock and roll.

After a morning of walking around we stopped in at Pinhead Susan's. Our waitress totaly flaked on us and forgot to get us our appetizer but the main food was good and the desert was great. I can't really complain too much.

Sliders for Phoebe, she didn't really eat any of it. I don't know why we keep letting her get burgers. She always says she wants one and then never eats them. Next time I'm going to get her a veggie burger and see how she does with that. She likes her veggies more than most meats (bacon is the exception, she could eat a pound of bacon easily).

Keira ate everything. She demanded chicken fingers and she ate them all. No little miss picky today! They were good chicken fingers.

So our family day of wandering around downtown was great. It was nice to put all the things we "have" to do on hold and just enjoy each other's company.

Some days are just good.

How to celebrate

2010-04-02T18:33:00.001-07:00

Keith graduates next month. Whoa! I’m really not ready for that. I’ve been waiting for it for…well forever. He’s been in school for what seems like most of our marriage (although I know that isn’t true), and now that he is finishing it seems like it came too quickly. He’s had some job interviews and things are looking good and I am really excited about him finally doing what he wants…and getting a decent paycheck. My problem is…well do I have to throw him a party? And if so who do I invite? Family is a given but what about the people he has been going to school with all these years? What about people from work? I am in no way the hostess with the mostess and our house is a tiny piece of crap that is kind of embarrassing. Our rugs are stained, our furniture mismatched and broken; paint is peeling off the ceiling in the living room. There are so many home repairs that we have been putting off until we had an actual income that now I don’t even feel comfortable when people come over to the house. Ahh, I probably shouldn’t care but I do.

is she Mormon?

2010-03-30T17:38:00.000-07:00

I let the girls pick their own clothes out for the store today. They picked unusual ensembles. What is weirder than what they wore though was the comment we got about Phoebe. I was asked if she was pretending to be Mormon. When I looked confused the woman said, "You know Arab, with the thing on her head." Mitt Romney will never be president.

2010-03-29T18:48:00.000-07:00

Jesus Camp
I'm a couple years behind but I have finally seen this film. Flashbacks...flashbacks to my youth. The emotional manipulation is overwhelming. It leaves a life long scar.

It's hard to learn how to be comfortable with yourself when you are raised with the idea that everything about yourself is flawed. That without constant vigilance and devoation to god you're bound for hell.

told ya

2010-03-28T17:09:00.000-07:00

Another tank...this one has live plants. We also had some tetras but since the filter was missing the bottom screen piece and they kind of got sucked into the filter. We thought that our homemade fix would do until the replacement piece came from the manufacturer but we were wrong. Poor guys… that could not have been a pleasant experience for them. It makes me think of Nemo.

Another day, another two dead....

2010-03-27T18:22:00.000-07:00

double homicide in the home town last night.

SCHENECTADY -- Shots rang out near the corner of Hulett and Albany streets Friday night among a group who were arguing, leaving two men dead.
At a press conference today, police identified the dead men as Virgil Terry, 21, and Alphanzo Pittman, 17, both of Schenectady.

Police say the men were shot at about 9:05 p.m. on Hulett near Albany Street. When police arrived, they found the injured men on opposite sides of the street, both with gunshot wounds to the upper torso.

One man died in an ambulance and the other shortly after arrival at Ellis Hospital, police said.

Police say they found shell casings at the scene of the incident, but no weapons. Neither Terry nor Pittman had a weapon in his possession, according to police.

Police did not say what the men were arguing about. However, they said, five men have been detained for questioning, and two SUVS -- one white, the other dark in color -- were seen driving away from the scene.

The incident remains under investigation.

Stories like this bother me on so many levels. My bleeding heart liberal side looks at the tragic killing of disadvantaged youth and wonders how we can educate and redirect this kind of violence into something that would benefit the community. And then my "been brought up by a Rush Limbaugh lovin' conservative" side looks at some punks getting what they deserve and wonder why the police are never around when they can finally bust some ass for a change. Of course even the parent in me is split. No parent should have their child die that way; no young adult's mistakes should be so great that this is their fate. But then as a parent I also want to protect my own children from the environment where this could even occur.

I don't know, I don't know what really happened, I don't know what kind of people they were, I just don't know anything other than two young men are dead. I look at my children and know that they don't dream of being shot down in street and I have a feeling that these two men didn't have that childhood dream either.

It's almost spring

2010-03-13T20:33:00.000-08:00

I bought some potato seedlings yesterday. Some gorgeous All blue potatoes and some Red Norland. This will be my first year growing potatoes and I’m excited about it. I have two (ok three) possible spots to plant, the first being the flower bed in the front yard. I normally just grow some cruddy Home Depot bought petunias there so I figure that I could use it for something more productive. Of course the girly, ohh I want my house to look so pretty part of me wants to keep the flowers so I am thinking of doing the potatoes in the back yard box. The only problem with that is that I have such limited space I want to grow other veggies there as well. I’ve also thought of having my dad (because Keith, god bless him, is not handy in the least) build me one of these doohickies . It's called a potato condo and I have the perfect spot for it to go already. But it would have to be built soon, the last frost is only a month or so away now.

With spring comes the anticipated graduation of Keith. I really have no doubt that he will pass Nursing IV. He has three job interviews this week. One is for the Nuero floor, one is for the Cardiac Cath recovery floor and one is for the Cardiology floor. They know that his goal is to get back into the ICU as an RN and they are willing to groom him for that position. Wait and see, wait and see.

It may be by the end of the spring that we are two gainfully employed adults again. While we have learned to live a pretty comfortable life while constantly pinching pennies I am looking foward to the day when I don't have to budget the grocery bill down to the dollar.

I have a job still

2010-03-11T18:32:00.000-08:00

As I was walking off the floor Wednesday afternoon I got pulled into my new mangers office and found out that I do still have a job. To say I was relieved is an understatement. The merger at work took place, everyone is angry, the atmosphere is pretty bad but now that we are finding out who will still be working there and who will be moving on I think that we can start getting things back in order. At least that is my hope. We have worked so hard over the past few months to turn our bastard child floor into a floor with the best safety numbers, fewest med errors, and most satisfied patients that I would hate to see it revert back to the embarrassment that it once was.

Some other good news is that we got our taxes done and for once the current tax structure that screws the middle class and benefits the poor has actually worked for us. I guess there was at least a small benefit to having had our jobs and lives put through the ringer for the past year. We now have the money to send Phoebe to a private school next year so…thank you wealthier than us families of this country! Your anal raping by the IRS is funding our attempt to keep our child out of the public school system and into schools that actually have passing test scores.

Speaking of learning… Phoebe ran up to me tonight to show me what she had written on her Magna Doodle…MOM. Awwww, yes it melted me heart. Ok, so she didn’t know what word she had written, she just knew the letters but it was still awesome to see those letters scrawled out in her handwriting.

Remember the new fish tank we got? Keith is now imaging a 30 gallon with live plants and schools of tetras and…and… I have to stop him before we live in waterworld again. I enjoy watching the fish but I am not interested in forming our little aquarium shop again. I rarely get my way when it comes to animals in the house though so I am sure within a few months I will be mentioning how we flooded the basement and made it into a massive koi pond.

Spring is so almost here. It’s wonderful. The snow is melting and birds are starting to chirp in the mornings. Soon I will be able to hang out laundry again and clean up the yard and start planting. I’d hoping to get an early spring crop of spinach in this year. We’ll see what the month brings.

Everybody knows...

2010-02-25T17:46:00.000-08:00

Everybody knows that the boat is sinking
Everybody knows that the captain lied
Everybody’s got this broken feeling
Like their father or their dog just died....

I put my bid in for my job yesterday. And then I was told that our current interim manager is leaving and being replaced by another interim manager. One whom I don't know. All those reassurances that I would have a job...well I don't know what they are worth now.

I suddenly feel like one of those families’s you see on Super nanny. We got our asses kicked into shape by someone who we resented even though we knew we needed her. Now it's the point in the show where the British chick is leaving and we're all teary eyed because we don't know if we can keep it together on our own. One swift kick to the stomach after another.

Everybody knows that you love me baby
Everybody knows that you really do
Everybody knows that you've been faithful
Give or take a night or two

This past week completely out of the blue an ex-boyfriend decided to friend me on facebook. I was raised to be a good girl so I accepted. When I asked him what was going on, why did he send me a request he seemed completely shocked at the idea that I hadn’t considered him my friend all these years. Now it’s been over ten years and maybe I should be over the mental anguish that he put me through but I suddenly realized I’m not…I’m just not. I’m not sure that I ever will be.

Have I just gotten lazy or was life always this crazy?

2010-02-20T20:39:00.000-08:00

Lately I feel like I cannot catch up on anything. Not on my school work, not on the blogs I like to read, not on laundry or playing blocks, or anything. I'm working full time for the moment (work issues are still not settled although I have had some reassuring words from upper management), going to school full time (A&P is done but now I'm on to Chemistry) and trying to keep my kids from turning into sociopaths. I'm exhausted like I was when the girls were newborns. I don't feel much different from when I was up every two hours breastfeeding a baby (Keira grabbed me yesterday and in the most serious voice possible asked," Is there still milk in there?") I'm catching up on sleep by watching movies with the girls at night. Yes, I have sunk to cuddling with my kids in the arm chair and using their love of Clifford, and Curly Sue and Scooby Doo as a means of catching 20 minute power naps. What bothers me the most though is how much I have been slacking about meals. I haven't been able to pull them off at all the past week. I need help. I need quick meals, I need some more sleep and I need some energy. Was it always this hard or have I gotten lazy? Or maybe old, maybe I have just gotten old....I have been noticing more gray hairs.

A trip to the ER

2010-02-19T21:41:00.000-08:00

five stitches above the eye.

The doc did a great job sewing but was the biggest asshole I have ever met. Big enough that I told my customer service friends at work and ended up making a formal complaint.

I normally can understand that a crappy bedside manner is doable when the actual medical care is good...but not when it comes to my kids. Not when the doctor is so rude and mean to a four year old that she is now scared of all doctors.

She survived the experience and is healing nicely.

teetering

2010-02-10T18:07:00.000-08:00

We had our meeting at work. The rumors were true. Two of the units on the hospital (one of them being mine) are merging. Staff from the two floors will have to bid on the "new" positions and who gets the job will based solely on seniority. Yeah, I have the least seniority out of anyone in my position on the two floors. Based on what we have heard the other floor is angry, really angry about the whole situation, so it's possible some of the people will leave on their own and leave more positions open for us. Our team is sad. We have been through a lot. We've had four mangers in the past year and were almost closed down a few months ago. We had a lot of complaints but we rearranged the team, built up our skills and worked our assess off to give great patient care. And our numbers improved...a lot. Now after all that hard work it feels like a kick to the gut to have our great team ripped apart.

The one good thing is that we were told if there is not a position available for any of us we can go into the "float" pool for 6 months. We'll be moved around the hospital as needed while we wait for something to open up for us. AT least during those 6 months I would be able to keep my benefits. I hate the idea of floating all the time. It means never knowing where or what you are going to be doing, not knowing the patients, staff, doctors or where any supplies even are, but I am going to try to keep full time for as long as I can.

In general it was a stressful day.

Jennifer and the temple of doom

2010-02-09T18:37:00.000-08:00

Out of a job if rumor true

Big staff meeting on our floor tomorrow.
rumor is they are merging us with another floor.
the other floor already has a unit secretary
that unit secretary has more seniority then me
hmm, my benefits haven't even kicked in yet

(you know I just noticed that there is no option to underline anymore. What the hell is the point of the strikethrough? Why is that such a big blogger trend? It's stupid. There, I said it! STUPID!)

is that my heart?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

can I stop being anxious ever

three months till graduation
an RN will never be without a job
unless the cheap ass hospitals in the area decide that they'd rather save some money than actually hire enough RNs to provide safe care.
What can you do with bachelors, a masters and an RN degree?
apparently nothing.

I love sandwiches

2010-02-07T19:57:00.000-08:00

I think if for some inexplicable reason I was forced into eating only one style of food for the rest of my life it would be sandwiches. What is better than thick slabs of bread piles high with...well anything. Yesterday we had some warm sandwiches for dinner. Delightful, absolutely delightful.

My very favorite sandwich comes from my days down in New Paltz. A Sunday brunch at the Mainstreet Bistro with a nice Elmer sandwich was a common tradition. Keith and I only went to the Bistro a few times together. He didn't like it because everything made him have an allergic reaction. This was before I knew about his nut allergy. If I had been privy to that information I could relayed to him that pesto is made of pine nuts and his meals wouldn't have caused anaphylactic shock. Live and learn, I always have Benadryl with me now since the light of life is a bit dull when it comes to culinary ingredients that may cause his death.

(From the Bistro's Facebook page)

I use to live in that building jutting out of the right hand side of the picture

The Elmer! has changed over the year. The menu now has it listed as : - Hummus, avocado, sautéed mushrooms, sprouts, cheddar & lettuce on triple-decker toasted whole wheat. In my days it was without the mushrooms and the cheese was Swiss. We make it often here at home...the old school way.

The sandwich I made last night is a new favorite. It was that good. I got it from Southern Living and it’s supposed to be less than 300 calories a serving but probably not the way I made it. It's prosciutto, Muenster, spinach and roasted red peppers on focaccia bread and drizzled with a little balsamic vinaigrette. I followed the direction fairly closely but I layered on the insides a bit more. I also was too impatient to wait the full 15 minutes in the oven so mine wasn't quite as warm as it should have been. It's a keeper though.

The girls were not crazy about it, but they deconstructed it and ate the majority of the filling. They were disappointed that the cheese was not their favorite circle (Provolone) cheese.

two weeks into the rest of my life

2010-02-06T22:04:00.000-08:00

Full time work is exhausting. Well, maybe not if that was all I was doing but full time work, full time school, a husband finishing his RN and two small children is draining me more than I anticipated. I feel as though I am failing miserably but I know that I need to give life some time for adjustment. I will figure out a way to make sure that the laundry is done. A way to make sure that the house is clean and a way to make sure there is food on the stove. (I'm not aiming for the table yet, just getting it cooked and on a plate is hard enough right now.) I wish I had it all figured out already though. I am not a patient person and I’m sick of the years of limbo we have been in. I want to feel settled already.

Work itself is going wonderfully. I really am enjoying being there full time. I finally feel like I understand what is going on from day to day. I feel a closer bond to my co-workers and to the patients. It was so much harder to get to know the patient when I was only there two days a week. I still have no benefits, the one HR person who dealt with benefits unexpectedly died a few weeks ago and the HR department has been scrambling to deal with not only their grief but also filling the large gap her passing left in the organization. I do have an appointment next week to set it all up. First thing I will do is make an eye appointment and get some new contacts. My four year old glasses are done!

Other than the overwhelming feeling of chaos the homestead is fine as well. We have a new school for Phoebe. She is so excited to go. She informed us that she wants to learn "how to be a boss." Keira feels Phoebe is already a natural in that area and does not need any additional pointers. Keira, my once even emotional child, has left and been replaced by a little girl who cries over everything. She bursts into tears every few moments over every word, look, yanked away toy.... I'd chalk it up to the new work schedule but it started before the new hours. I had just written it off as a coming illness but I have now resigned to the fact that it is here to stay...or at least for a while. Her birthday is 9 days. It seems hard to believe that she could be turning three already.

One of the most bizare political ads ever

2010-02-04T18:51:00.000-08:00

Carly for California released FCINO @ Yahoo! Video

...and I think that is the guy from Forensic Files who is talking.

I'm not sure if this is the best of the worst ad I have ever seen. I'm talking about it so it is doing at least part of its job, but that sheep in wolves clothing is downright...weird. I may go as far as to say it's a bit freaky and kind of creepy. I understand what they are saying though...conservatives are just a bunch of sheep.

Tsk, Tsk Colbert, how dare you?

2010-02-03T13:35:00.001-08:00

I make fun of Schenectady...all the time. I talk about the bad schools, the crime (committed by both the police and the thugs), the houses that are falling apart, and all the other things that make me wonder why I continue to stay in this city that so few can pronounce and even fewer can spell. I don't like others making fun of Schenectady though. It is my home and it is part of who I am. And for that reason I have a bone to pick with someone who I usually love. Stephen Colbert...you had to go and do it. You had to make fun of Schenectady. Monday night Colbert interviewed Harold Ford, a ex-congressman from Tennessee, who is considering a Senate run against Kristen Gillibrand. Colbert was grilling him about some of his past statements, one of which concerned a statement about having visited Staten Island because he once touched down there in a helicopter. And that is when Colbert went after Schenectady...

Said Colbert: “Are there other places in New York that you designate as ‘helicopter only?’ Because I would recommend that for Schenectady. I would just look at that on Google Maps.”

Come on Colbert. We have enough problems here; we don't you making fun of us too.

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Harold Ford Jr.

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

Economy

I like Ford, he is one of the few personalities on MSNBC that I have been able to tolerate over the past year. I do not like Gillibrand. I think she is a phony, and I do not like her connections to the Clintons, but she is a New Yorker. I can at least fool myself into thinking that she is interested in representing this state rather than just representing herself or an ideology.

Tomorrow's the big day

2010-01-31T19:34:00.000-08:00

We visit a school for Phoebe tomorrow. Yup, she will be going to school next year. I’m not sure how it has happened but somehow we managed to get her through those baby years and now she is a full fledged kid. It's a Catholic school, close to the hospital and has a good reputation. It's odd, I never considered myself someone who would look to send their child to private school. Private school always seemed like such a "rich" person thing. I went to private school though, only for Kindergarten and 1st grade, but still it was a private school. It was a Pentecostal school that only had two classrooms and I could barely read by the time I got into the public school system. I did have an award for being the first one to memorize The Lord is My Sheppard though. Wohoo for educational priorities!

The school we are looking at has a good "report card", a lot better than the state report card and the principal seemed very pleasant on the phone when I spoke to her. I just can't bring myself to allow Phoebe into the city school district. People have told me its fine in the elementary school years, but I don't see how suddenly middle school kids can't pass any tests if they had a good foundation in the earlier years. Half of the city's youth can't slide that quickly in just a year or two. So, Keith and I will continue to sleep in the living room for a few more years, it’ll take longer to save up for a move, or to add on to the house, but it’s a worthy sacrifice.

*******************************************

Keith was bit upset about the Jets losing last week (although the fact they made it as far as they did is such an improvement over past years he really isn't complaining too much). He thought he would honor them with a man of snow.

Xie Xie

2010-01-25T19:14:00.000-08:00

Huh? What is that? Xie Xie is Mandarin Chinese for thanks. I don't know this from years of schooling in a second language, although I did take Russian in college, but instead from Ni Hao Ki-lan. Yes the annoying Nick Jr show that is often called the Chinese Dora. It's not a show we watch all that often, but for some reason the girls have picked up on the saying Xie Xie. Recently I have learned that Xie Xie has a slightly different meaning for Phoebe and Keira. In our house it means, "Gee you have something much cooler than I have, let's trade objects so I get the good one and you get this piece of crap that I am playing with."

I'm so proud of my little bilingual kids. Now they can manipulate in two languages!

They give you free cheese!

2010-01-21T15:35:00.000-08:00

I went food shopping and took Phoebe with me. Shopping with Phoebe requires that I allow her to dress fancy so that she may greet her public in style. This is an outfit we compromised on. She wanted to add a purple tulle skirt with rhinestones to the mix; I said no, you can wear your Christmas scarf.

Phoebe has an odd fascination with ribbon, the type of ribbon that you put on presents, she's quite honestly obsessed. She brings them with her everywhere. We have piles of ribbons all throughout the house. I have them in my purse, they are in the car, at my parent's house, in the beds; I have extra rolls of ribbon stashed away in case of a ribbon emergency. The ribbon here is named Red Girl. I'm a tad worried of what will happen when she (Phoebe that is, not Red Girl) goes to kindergarten and discovers that not everyone pretends ribbons are enchanted beings.

We stopped at the deli to get some provolone cheese. The girls call it circle cheese and ask for it a few times a day. I usually only buy it when it's on sale. Phoebe charmed the pants off the deli girl and was given a piece of cheese to eat in the store. I'm pretty sure that she would have gotten the cheese even if she had been a terrible brat, but Phoebe decided it was because the "meat girl" loved her. When we got home she declared to her sister that if you go to the store dressed fancy they give you free cheese. This is not going to help when it comes to the getting dressed department.

I have the POWER

2010-01-20T14:16:00.000-08:00

Ahh, I have the most coveted power on my entire floor....the key to the supply locker. I can choose who has pens, staples, tape, Etc. I even have a Staples password now. I can order anything that I want...well ok, it has to be approved by purchasing, but still, anything I want within reason. Do you know what this means? It means no more knife fights over the one red pen on the entire floor! It means no longer selling our children to get that last paper clip. Now if my boss would just actually give me my full time schedule I could relax and enjoy my last few days of part time employment. I'm starting to worry that the rest of this time periods is going to be a day by day affair and that I will have no idea what my schedule will really be like till the next one comes out. As long as they change my status over and let me get health insurance I don't really care anymore. Wooohoo for a job!

And a little entertainment that has nothing to do with office supplies. I can remember tapping this song of the radio when I was in high school.

Princess *%#^$#%$

2010-01-14T18:03:00.000-08:00

Why is that kids (or maybe it's just my kids) enjoy stripping every doll they own to their bare bottoms? I'm not sure this is what Disney had in mind when they made these dolls.

(I changed the original post title after my husband pointed out that anything with the title porn may attrack the wrong type of person---ewwwww)

sleeping with the fish

2010-01-13T18:50:00.000-08:00

Our first batch of fishies did not fare so well. They were all dead within two days. I have a feeling it had more to do with the god-awful store we got them at (Petsmart is great for supplies but their animals are rather...well less than superb in quality) than anything we did. We let the tank sit a few days, did a partial water change and then went to a top-notch aquarium to get some new fellas.

We got two new Tiger barbs and two Odessa barbs. We got them at Eddies Aquarium. They were our go to place when we had the salt water tank and I was actually offered a job there. I wanted it, but we decided that my job at the hell hole insurance company was more stable financially. I continued at that hell-hole job for another 5 years before decided I would rather die than keep at it. Anywho that is way off topic. The shop is beautiful, if they put up a few ropes and dimmed the lights more you would think it was a zoo exhibit.

You can see just by the color how much better these fish are. They are active, eating and already schooling (I like my fish smart). In another 4 to 6 weeks we will add to the numbers so that they have a proper number to school. Having barbs means that I won't get to have guppies, whom I love to watch with their swishy tails, but I'll make do with these guys.

Here's the salt water tank we had many years ago.

Sometimes the mistakes are my favorite

2010-01-11T19:37:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I took the girls to the Children's Museum at Saratoga. Before we left I tried to get a nice picture of the two of them. I lined them up, told them to smile and pushed the button. Keira ran towards me with that awesome grin of hers. It's funny how sometimes the mistakes you make in life end up being your favorite moments. Even with the flaws, the fuzz, the unanticipated movement, this instant is Keira. She's a lighthearted imp that glows with happiness. I also love how Phoebe is watching from behind because as much as Phoebe would like to pretend the she is the older sister in charge Keira is really the leader of the two.

Oh, and by the way....

2010-01-08T18:54:00.000-08:00

it looks as though starting Jan. 25 I will be a full time worker again. It has to get approved by the head of nursing, but my manager is pushing for me to just slide quickly and easily into the full time position. Hello health insurance! How I have missed you!!!!!

It's a good thing too, last I heard it was going to be mandatory soon anyway. Of course, I can't say for sure now since all this health care stuff is happening behind closed doors now.

I should have known...

2010-01-08T18:51:00.000-08:00

...that the Family O. cannot make a simple trip to the pet store to just browse.

We actually have on a few occasions brought the girls to the pet store to look at some animals. It's cheaper than the zoo and much closer too. Keith decided to have such a trip yesterday.

I should have known though. Keith's brother recently started up his fish hobby again; the last time my brother in law had fish Keith and I ended up with four tanks. Can you say sibling rivalry?

I almost feel lucky that I only have a small 20 gallon fresh water tank now. We had to buy a new tank and a few of the peripherals, but overall I think we escaped on the cheap. We still have a few tanks from our last fish experience, but they are much too large for my current stamp of approval. And, I am firmly refusing to do salt water tanks again.

We moved a 75 gallon salt water aquarium in the winter when we bought the house. That was not a fun experience. Imagine having to move garbage cans full of rock and water, and bins full of delicate coral and fish in near freezing weather. They all made it, only to be lost to a heat wave and power outage the following summer. I don't have the heart (or the money) to try it again.

The girls are thrilled though with the little tank. We only got a few Tiger barbs to start. One has already died and received the proper fish burial.

In another week or so, once the tank has properly cycled, we will some more and set up a nice little home for them.

Timing can be everything

2010-01-05T19:01:00.000-08:00

Our furnace broke in the middle of the night last night and here is how timing can be so odd...in the best possible ways.

Keith bought me an electric blanket for Christmas. I didn't ask for one, I didn't really want one. I had no plan on using it. Last night I put it on the bed and turned it on. We were warm and toasty even as the house plunged below 50 degrees.

Keira insisted having seven blankets on her bed last night. Yes, seven. They ranged from her normal light weight bedding blankets to some pretty heavy duty adult sized blankets. I let her have them figuring she would throw them off in an hour once she was sweating. She didn't throw them off; she stayed warm and toasty all night long.

Phoebe was not feeling well last night so when she fell asleep with her hoodie on over her pjs I didn't bother taking it off her. I just pulled the blankets up over her and kissed her goodnight. She stayed nice and toasty all night long.

This morning, before calling our normal heating guy, I decided to call my dad to see if he could look at the furnace first. My dad is pretty handy and while furnaces are not his forte he can fix some very basic problems. He told me he would be happy to look at our furnace, but he couldn't because he had a repair guy over fixing his furnace. The church furnace had broken and my dad had gone over to "sit" with the repair guy. He told the repair guy about issues he was having with his own furnace so the guy agreed to come over and fix it. Then I called, my dad relayed our issues and the repair guy came over and fixed our furnace as well. Three jobs from one phone call.

Then to top it off my dad insisted on paying the bill since they had not gotten me much for Christmas. It wasn't a costly fix and we had the money, especially since I just worked all those days and can replenish the coffers, but they had gotten me the one and only thing I asked for, a pot rack, and so I should consider it part of my Christmas gift. Sweet!

Could the furnace have broken at any better of a time?

The last day

2010-01-02T18:11:00.000-08:00

Ahh, tomorrow is the last day of my wicked work schedule. Day six and I will be back to normal. I have to say that it has not been that bad getting up and out into the world on a regular basis. On day one I worked with a particularly nasty nurse who felt the need to call me incompetent in front of several other co-workers, but I had been in fact correct (surgical procedures do require consent forms) and in the end after some thoughts of kicking her teeth out passed, I moved on with day and even managed to work with her the rest of the week.

My full time counterpart has informed me that she bid for a position on another floor. If she gets the job I will have to make the decision of moving into the full time slot or staying part time. I spent so much time looking for full time work, but now I wonder how much I want to go back to it. We've learned to live on so little that it's no longer a matter of having to do it, or at least not having to do it at this moment. Keith will be graduating in the spring and since there is still a massive nursing shortage in the area I doubt he will have too much trouble finding a job. That means a tripling in our income right there, so do I then really need to leave the girls and go full time? I'm just not sure if the monetary payout is worth loosing the time away from the girls.

One thing that I am sure about though is I need insurance. I have been sans insurance for two years now, and it has been longer since I have seen a doctor. The list of body aches, pains and unidentifiable bumps and discoloring has grown over the past two years, and unlike when I was in my 20s these ones don't seem to be going away on their own. I also have been a bit uneasy about my mood lately and would like to have insurance so I can deal with that issue. Right now I am self treating myself with herbs, but due to my past history with depression I'd feel more comfortable knowing I have access to something a bit stronger if it's needed. I have been on meds in the past and am not fond of the side effects, but I have also been in the ICU due to my depression and know that is even worse.

So, I will have decisions to make in the near future. Right now though, I am happy that I will have some time off to play tinker toys.

Turning back time

2009-12-29T19:17:00.000-08:00

Today I started a six day working streak. In the past when I was working at the insurance company that would have been a normal week, but after a year of part time hospital work six days will seem like a lifetime. Dragging my tired body out into the -15 degree wind this morning did nothing to convince me I made the right decision to volunteer my services either. It was not a good day either. I watched an old man wrestle with the end of life decisions that he was faced with making for his wife of 50 years. He looked so sad, so lonely, and I wanted to do nothing more than to turn back time to a point at which he would not have to make such an agonizing decision.

from Scientific American, April 2007, pg 28

Working at a hospital can be weird. You see people at their worst, you see them when they are vulnerable and in pain, when they are weak and needy. You see a lot of death and after a while you barely notice. You come in and ask what happened to the patient in 16 and when you are told they passed away you make a quick comment about how sad that is, but by the end of the day you have already forgotten their name. There are other times when it becomes clear that you are a player in an intimate part of a person's life story. Some people grab onto you and you never forget them. You can never tell who it is that is going to make that impact on you. That feeling sneaks up and surprises you. I don’t know if I will ever forget the face that I watched go through so many emotions today. Maybe I will, after all it is an experience that plays itself out over and over again each day all throughout the hospital, but tonight I can think of little else.

Life is Wii-riffic

2009-12-27T20:18:00.001-08:00

I hate video games. I am not a gamer, I don't get the appeal, and since Keith is an avid gamer I in turn HATE them. I agreed to let the family take our Christmas money and get a Wii. I am in love with it!

I can not believe the amount of fun we had with the girls playing it as a family. We did the bowling with them and had a blast. They enjoyed it as much as Keith and I did.

I especially like that it got us all moving. I do not like winter sports, or winter cold to be more accurate, so this is great for someone like me who would like to not ever have to step outside after November 1st.

After the girls went to bed we played a little "Knock Out," which was also a lot of fun although I prefer the bowling and golfing games. I woke up this morning with some aching muscles so it will do me good too. Today I started the fitness program (yeah I've gained 40lbs since I quit smoking...ohhh sweet cigarettes how I miss you!) and I am excited about using it to train for my walk.

Speaking of the walk.... I am registered for the Overnight Walk now. It's in Boston this coming June and that is not a walk you just up and do one day. It is going to require me getting into some sort of shape. Now I can more easily do it while still maintaining my hermit like lifestyle.

A Very Merry Christmas

2009-12-26T19:56:00.000-08:00

I am exhausted and the house is a mess but I am happy, very happy. We had the absolute most enjoyable Christmas ever. I finished all of the scarves I was knitting. The last one I started on the 22nd and it became a fun challenge to see if I could indeed complete it and in the end I came out on top. We saw everyone in the family at some point over the past few days. We got wonderful gifts, gorged ourselves silly, and slept too few hours.

Best Damn Pizza Ever

2009-12-18T19:09:00.001-08:00

Gorgonzola pizza....hmmmmm...nothing beats it. Well, maybe a few things but in the category of food it definitely towards the top of my list.

It's simple to make. I made the whole wheat crust but I have also used prepared crusts before. Simply drizzle a little olive oil on the crust. Dump the cheese, as much or as little as you like, top with sliced plum tomatoes, sliced red onion and some arugula. I have also used basil. It depends on what I have available. Cooke until the cheese is melted and the veggies have soften a bit. Then eat it as much of it as you can.

I make one for Keith and I and then a regular mozzerella pizza for the girls; not because they won't eat it but because I don't want to share!

My grandmother would have been shocked

2009-12-17T18:32:00.001-08:00

This is my grandmother's desk from when she was a school aged girl. How do I know? She told me so every time she came over to the house. For a few years before she went into the nursing home she lived with my parents. From time to time my parent's would have to go somewhere, somewhere that they couldn't bring Grandma, so they would drop her off at my house and I would Grandma sit. Not a single time passed that she didn’t walk into my house, stop, look at that desk and announce for everyone that it was her desk. And then she would tell me about 30 more times during the visit. My grandmother has Alzheimer's so she couldn't remember telling me repeatedly about the ownership of the desk, but there was no doubt that she remembered that desk from her youth. Grandma turned 98 this year, and for years she was the keeper of the family stories. Now she doesn’t know who we are, where she is or what decade it is. Her memories no longer date past the 1920s and even those memories are growing sparser by the day. She's in a nursing home now because her care became far beyond what my mom and dad where capable of giving. It was perhaps one of the hardest decisions that we as a family ever had to make. My aunt works at the home though so that made it a little more tolerable.

I was always glad that my grandmother never opened that desk on her visits to the house. She would have been shocked to see the insides!

2009-12-16T19:30:00.000-08:00

Believe it or not this is a posed picture. Keira asked me to take her picture and then sat frozen with this expression until she saw the flash from the camera. Then she opened her eyes and asked me to take another picture and made the same expression again. I have a gazillion pictures of her with this goofy expression. We were eating dinner, tuna melts with salad and deviled eggs. Keira does not like salad. She doesn't like any green vegetable other then green beans.

Phoebe on the other hand loves vegatbles. Here she is cleaning up what is left of the salad from the bowl. She has declared that salads need to be served with every meal, every day. I don't object to the idea but it will mean having to actually go to the store more during the winter months. No more once a month stock ups and eating what has been frozen from the garden. Which reminds m, the last of my salad greens died in the snow storm we got last week. I couldn't believe that it was December and we still had greenery in the garden. I peeked out the back porch window this afternoon and saw what looked like my parsley still alive. I was still picking that as well up until the storm. The snow has melted from the planter and it looks as though it still may be alive. Could fresh parsley from the yard actually be part of Christmas dinner?

Keira loves to draw. We started off using paper but she can seriously go through a pad of paper a day. The magna-doodle is great because she can draw as often as she wants (and it's sooo much cooler than the etch-a-sketch I had as a kid)

She's getting pretty good for a two year old. Look at that...teeth...pupils...nostrils and a bridge for the nose.
She sometimes will even pick up her dolls, look at them and attempt to draw them.

Phoebe is excessive. Here she did her own hair.

We counted 23 barrettes when we finally took them all out. Keith asked her, "Can you believe how many barrettes were in your hair?" She looked at him like he was a moron and said, "yeah, I put them in you know."

(Oh and those are hairbands that she has on as "fancy necklaces")

Can you notice what is wrong with this paragraph?

2009-12-14T17:56:00.000-08:00

"Police Chief Mark Chaires conceded the stretch of Mont Pleasant from Bridge Street to 10th Avenue has become "indistinguishable" from high-crime parts of Hamilton Hill. "We deal with the same social and crime problems," the chief said, although he noted Mont Pleasant hasn't seen as much gunfire as its adjacent neighborhood."

Let me give you a hint..it's the "as much gunfire" coupled with the fact that Mont Pleasant is my neighborhood. Apparently my belief that the neighborhood should have NO gunfire is too lofty.

The Times Union's article about the decline of Mont Pleasant and the above statement is an accurate telling of what has been occurring in this neighborhood. For years I have wondered if I was the only person who noticed.

Last summer I walked the girls to the Mont Pleasant library branch. I will never do it again. I didn't feel safe walking through crowds of young men loitering on the corners, past emptied out building with mysterious noises seeping out from the bordered up windows, or over the used condoms, broken needles and various other trash that lined the sidewalks.

My street has remained fairly quiet, but their have been shooting and stabbings on some of the surrounding streets. And that is too close to my children for me to feel comfortable.

I have such conflicted feelings about the neighborhood. It's where I grew up, it's where I tried to escape from, it's where I decided to return. I have a desire to stick it out here and fight for it, but I'm unsure about subjecting my children to it.

Let's go to the Movies...

2009-12-13T18:52:00.000-08:00

Today was a fun day. We went all out and had a day on the town. For the past two weeks Phoebe and Keira have both been asking to see The Princess and the Frog. I'm sure everyone has heard the big to-do about it... the first black Disney princess...breakthrough...blah, blah, blah...whatever, the girls could care less about things like that. They just like the princess bling and wanted to see it bad. Neither have actually been to the theater before and so we thought it would be the perfect movie to see on the big screen. They loved, I loved it, heck even Keith loved it. I have to say for a cartoon movie it was pretty damn good. It had a few darker, shadowy moments but any movie dealing with New Orleans voodoo is going to have some darker moments. The story line was strong , the animation was the brilliant hand-drawn style of yore, and the music got the kids dancing in their seats. (OK, the fact that neither girl is really heavy enough to keep the springed movie seat down may have contributed to all the movement but I saw them bopping their toes around too)

After the movie we stopped by to see Santa. Phoebe was excited and then freaked out when it was our turn. She turned into a complete spass and Keira was a cool as could be.

Poor Phoebe didn't know what to do once she was up there. She refused to sit on his leg and wanted me to hold her hand the whole time. The photographer did a great job though getting her to laugh.

Keira just marched right up to him, sat and started talking. You'd think she had been doing it everyday of her life. I have to give Kudos to Santa. He's looking real good this year.

After Santa we had a nice dinner out and then took a drive in the sleet and rain to look at Christmas lights. We did the "good" neighborhood first. It was pretty unexciting, a bunch of boring white lights. Blah, stop being so pretentious people! Have some fun! We headed back to our own neighborhood which was covered with colored lights, plastic Santa's and gaudy Manger Scenes. It was wonderful. The girls screamed and yelled, "mine" when a house was all aglow on their side and competed for the most lights. One particular set of four houses plastered from top to bottom with lights caused Phoebe to declare those lights had to be shared because they were the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.

We came, watched the Jets game (which we had DVRed) and watched them actually win for a change.

My soul is happy.

Another one done

2009-12-10T20:20:00.000-08:00

Not a scarf. I have gotten nowhere with that thing. I'll never get two done that's for sure. I did get another gift done though. I made a nice photo album up for Keith's grandmother of the girls. The woman has everything she could possibly need, but she lives far away and hasn't seen the girls in a long time. As a matter of fact, I don't think she's ever seen Keira. I've never done scrap booking, but I used some of the skills I have heard other woman endlessly talking about and put together something I think she would really like.

Other than that I haven't gotten anymore done on any Christmas shopping. The girls are done other than one toy each that I want to pick up from "Santa." I got Keith a new X-box game. Something about war and fighting and all that. This weekend I may go to the fabric store so I can make him up a blanket quick and then he'll be done.

I'm still chugging away at school. I lost a night of studying because I was making up that albulm. I will have to do double the work tomorrow night after work. It was worth it though,

I thought four would be better

2009-12-08T21:24:00.000-08:00

I knew the terrible twos would be hard, I was prepared for the treacherous threes, but I really though that the attitude and drama was suppose to calm down for the fabulous fours. I was wrong, so wrong.

Phoebe has always been dramatic. Even as a baby she was could never mellow out, be calm or go the easy route. Even then she was a drama queen. Gosh, I remember one time when she was about three months old and went almost a month without taking a nap. Since she never slept at night either it was a horrible time filled with screaming and crying and fit throwing. Those days tested me like I never knew possible. I sometimes look back at them, and for a moment my skepticism about god's existence melts away as I realize that there had to have been something other then my own self keeping me from strangling her.

I remember how that month long napping strike ended. It wasn't with any of my previously tried and true baby soothing methods. Not with breastfeeding, or putting her in a sling. Not with songs or rocking. It was a garage sale activity saucer that my parents had gotten for their house. My father brought it over, I put Phoebe in and within moments she was passed out. He body slumped forward, her head resting on the stuffed sun that poked out of the plastic. I never felt so relieved, yet so frightened in my life. I remember being so afraid to move, that I sat there holding my breath staring at her, just waiting for her eyes to open and the screaming to start again.

Some days I feel like I am back to those scream filled days. Four has been tougher than I expected. She is more moody, more dramatic, and much more feisty than I thought she would be. I realize that she is testing boundaries, seeing how far she can push me before I snap, trying to find out who she is, but I wasn't prepared. I thought I would get a little break first.

God knows I love her though. And God knows that like that month of non- stop screaming I will get through this too. I only hope that when it stops I will be able to look back and smile instead of being frozen with fear.